I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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