I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize