i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
wanna go halves on a baby?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
