guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
