You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
