I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
