you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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