what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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