I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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