i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
