I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
