You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
