I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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