i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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