This girl is more easily done than said...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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