I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
