Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
