It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize