whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
