im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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