Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
