Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize