I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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