When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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