I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
