My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
