Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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