remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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