Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize