Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
