Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
