ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
