I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
