I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
