M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
