I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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