Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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