I cannot find my penis.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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