I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
