The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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