You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
