Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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