Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
