Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
