I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
