A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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