I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
