this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
