i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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