just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
