i would punch a child for taco bell
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
