saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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