I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
