I wish I could teleport
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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