My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
