I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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