This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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