Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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