No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
