He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
