Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The air was thick with penises
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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