turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
