I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize